Five ways Verizon acts like a stalker

I’ve been thinking about Verizon lately—how to capture what’s deeply wrong with this brand.  While listening to the radio, it hit me:  Verizon has the worldview of a stalker.

“I Will Possess Your Heart,” a 2008 Grammy-nominated hit by the alt-rock band Death Cab for Cutie is about a stalker.  This song, which brought Verizon to mind, evokes a creepy loner obsessed with his own view of How Life Should Be.  Brief verses are overshadowed by relentless repletion of the chorus (32 of the song’s 44 lines).  And there are hard edges of sound, such as Vocal.  Cutoffs.  Between.  Words.

Together these elements reinforce the image of an ominous fanatic Who Just Doesn’t Listen.  Kinda like Verizon. Here are five ways that Verizon comes across like a stalker.

1. Seeking “perfect” customers

I’m a Verizon customer, and a good one.  Between two landlines and four mobile lines with data plans, our family sends them hundreds of dollars a month.  I’ve even added services recently: long-distance on a landline.  I mean, it’s 2012—how often does that happen?

Apparently this is not enough. I don’t fit with their view of How Life Should Be.  And because I don’t fit their model of the perfect customer, they won’t leave me alone.

2. Obsessive worldview

How I wish you could see the potential
The potential of you and me

Verizon can’t wait to get into my…computer and my TV.  The really really REALLY want me to get FiOS.  And they won’t give up.  Perhaps this is because they spent $23 billion, roughly twice the GDP of Iceland, installing fiber optic cable.  The jury is still out on whether or not this was a good idea.

To them, being a $4K/year customer for phone services doesn’t slake their lust. Their world will not be complete until I fit their profile of the ideal customer over whom they have total control.  Charming, huh?

3. Relentless repetition

You reject my advances and desperate pleas
I won’t let you let me down so easily

They haunt our mailbox.  With two landlines in different names, we get the twice the fun.  Duplicate mailings nearly every week.  Envelopes that blare: “Important information about your account!” Offers of every kind.  Pounds and pounds of paper.   For years.

This personal blitz is layered, of course, on top of the mass marketing frenzy: blanketing the airwaves and shoving their flyers in our newspaper every time we turn around.

4. Extreme creepiness

There are days when outside your window
I see my reflection as I slowly pass…

They’ve come to my home, twice.  The first time, installers “were in the area” and offered to hook us up to FiOS, as a convenience.  The second time they tried to pretend we’d ordered the service—they were just there to install it.  These dirty tricks happened a couple of years ago, but they were memorable.

Does Verizon think we don’t notice?  Or remember?

5. Rigid self-interest

Verizon fails to consider that some people aren’t interested—and never will be.  Somehow, carpet bombing with various offers is supposed to do the trick.  Yes there are barriers to switching (in my case, from Comcast), not the least of which is changing e-mail addresses.  That alone that kept AOL going for years.

But it’s more than that.  We’re not interested because they’re Verizon.  Have they ever stopped to consider things from our side?  Namely:

• They have heavy baggage?  We already know what it’s like to have to deal with them, and it isn’t pretty.
• More services means needing more service?  Comcast shows up for a service call when they say they will.  Fancy that—something novel to try, Verizon.
• Their offerings just aren’t very compelling?  Cable’s actually fine, thanks.
• We know prices will go way up after their intro offers?  We’re not dumb.
• Their offers often confirm their creepiness?  “Triple Play!” for example just reinforces the sense of menace about getting in their clutches.
• They haven’t listened to years of silence from us.  Ever heard of a non-responder list?
• They’re bullies.  Why would we want to give them more business?

Escaping their clutches

Last week I decided to stop the onslaught.

First to the website.  I looked everywhere, but there was no way to opt out.  No clue as to which of dozens of phone numbers to use for this, either.  Finally, I ended up in Customer Service for residential phone service, where I was instantly placed on hold, naturally.  For a good long while.  Eventually, I spoke to a human who promised to place both my husband and me on their Do Not Solicit list.  Twenty-three minutes from start to finish, but well worth it.

Beats a restraining order.

Are you a stalker?

Verizon isn’t the only company that thinks and acts like a stalker—they’re just more extreme.  But their excesses can illuminate potential issues for you, too: areas where you may unwittingly repel consumers.

When you look at your own marketing efforts, do you exhibit any of these symptoms?

1. Defining an “ideal” customer as one who buys everything you offer?  This unrealistic view blinds you to the real value of your customers, and blurs potentially important differences among them.
2. Fixating on new offerings?  Overvaluing the latest, greatest thing may cause you to seriously undervalue who (and what) is most loyal and profitable.
3. Relentlessly mailing your current customers?  This is irritating and wasteful.  E-mail and telemarketing require you to offer a way to opt out.  Make it easy for customers to stop getting your mailings—they’ll know how to find you if they really want you.
4. Crossing privacy boundaries?  You may have tantalizing data on your customers, but trespassing even once can cost you their trust forever.
5. Failure of empathy and perspective?  Do you have access to how customers really see your products/services?  In your company, is emotional intelligence exhibited—and rewarded?  Or are parrots, politicians and the Kool-Aid-swilling faithful the ones who get ahead?

You cannot possess consumers’ hearts. If you serve people faithfully and well, treating them with respect and offering outstanding products and services, you may earn their loyalty.  If you continuously surpass their expectations while enlarging their worlds, you may delight and inspire them.  But if you act like a stalker you will send them scrambling for the exit–and into the arms of a rival who treats them well.